My Daughter and the Feelings Doctor

The decision to take out 7 year-old daughter to see a therapist was a lot easier than I guess I thought I would be. Several months ago, my wife brought up the idea and I questioned whether she really needed it or not. She got a recommendation but we didn’t do anything about it. A few weeks ago the idea came up again and I questioned how quickly we could get on the schedule.

My daughter feels her feelings. Deeply. She also expresses them. Loudly. The positive and the negative. She can get overcome and out of control with joy, and overwhelmed and slowed up by anger. Sometimes it’s a toss up on which one is harder to deal with. I don’t know how many times she’s been happy and silly and running around and we’ve told her, “Calm down or somebody is going to get hurt.” It’s not always fun to be right when you’re a parent. The anger is another issue. Eventually something can pull her back from her other emotional peaks, but her anger seems to feed into itself. I wouldn’t say she’s a mean girl, but when it comes to her anger, the limit does not exist.

For not the first time, and certainly not last (just wait until puberty), I realize I am ill-equipped to handle this myself. I find the best way to deal with your feelings and emotions is not have them in the first place. I am the yin to my daughter’s yang in this sense. Perhaps our complimentary styles is why she very clearly prefers me over my wife. A parent can’t have a favorite kid, but it does not work the other way around. I read most of the bedtime stories, get sat next to most on the couch, and attempt to do most of the reasoning when she’s overcome with emotion. But as parents, safe to say that neither me or my wife are well-suited to handle her heightened emotional states. I lack the emotional understanding to understand why she doesn’t just calm down, and my wife lacks the patience for her behavior when she gets out of control.

That is probably the most frustrating thing. That we couldn’t take care of our daughter’s needs ourselves. No shame in needing professional help, but it would be much more convenient (and economical) if I could do it myself. Therapists and plumbers. Same-same. Perhaps instead of a communications degree I should have gotten a psychology degree and a plumbers license. Really be able to help people deal with their shit.

A major help in the decision process was my daughter herself. When the idea was first brought up, I wasn’t sure how to tell her what it was or how she’d respond. But after one of her extended outbursts, she wrote a note to my wife and I apologizing and asking for help. It’s a weird feeling to see our kids already more advanced than you at something, but I was very proud. So we made the appointment and told her she was going to go to a feelings doctor for a check-up.

My wife went with her to her first appointment. When they came home, my daughter had a few forms to fill out with questions about what makes her mad, how she feels when she gets man, stuff like that. One of the forms asked her to draw a picture of what it feels like when she gets angry. She struggled drawing a volcano, which angered her, and set her off on a spiral of anger that ended with a screaming fit and an early trip to bed. While it was disappointing that exactly none of what she just spend an hour talking about sunk in, I absolutely appreciated the irony of the situation.

I went with her to her next appointment, and I was curious to see how it would go. Turns out I’d go as far as the lobby. She told me she wanted to go in by herself this time. So while I got no insight into what she talked about other than a new set of worksheets, I did see the same behavior repeated afterward. Another therapy session, another meltdown. I understand there is a process to trust here, but could she at least wait 24 hours after her therapist visit to be uncontrollably upset? When she finally did calm down, I asked her if there was something she talked about with the feelings doctor about what just happened. She said no, not that exact example. If we are waiting until the doctor brings up every possible scenario in which my daughter could be upset, she’ll at least be out of the college I won’t be able to afford to send her to because I spent what would have been her college money on feelings doctor appointments until the possible situations are covered. That’s one hell of a process not covered by insurance to trust.

On my end, I don’t know if I’m supposed to have any expectations yet. So far when I’ve tried to counter her emotional spikes by referencing something from one of the worksheets she brings home or ask her what she talked about with the doctor, it just seems to make her more upset. My hope is that it’s making her upset because she realizes that, yes, she did talk about it, and her frustration with herself for not applying it is being redirected to me. If that is the case, what am I to do? Just let it slide and let her vent her anger while she learns? Or hold her to the same behavioral expectations that her younger brother and sister are held to? If the younger kids see that mom and dad let her throw tantrums, how am I supposed to correct them when they don’t behave?

I don’t want to punish her having emotions, but I still need to punish the inappropriate behavior that they create. If I can barely get my mind around how to walk that line, how can I expect my kids to understand the difference?

The silver lining here is, my daughter likes to go. Rather than skip her appointment that would be missed for spring break, she wanted to try to reschedule. There is no stigma, no shame, and she knows she isn’t broken or anything. She also knows she isn’t the only kid her class that goes to the feelings doctor. When I was in second grade I bonded with my friends by talking about our WWF action figures. Perhaps my daughter will bond by talking about the best ways to recognize and react to her emotions in various social settings. Evolution in a generation.