Like any good parent, I often bribe my children. Any illusion that I had of my kids behaving just because it is what they should do has long been shattered. I want my kids to be able to go a whole day without one of them making another one of them cry, and they want rewards. But more than wanting them to do things they should be doing anyway, we wanted to give them rewards for intentional acts of kindness. For a while, my wife used to do “Kindness Wednesdays” with the kids, where they would take some time to do something kind for somebody. What we soon found out was that these acts of kindness quickly became them wanting to buy a treat for somebody. Which is to say they had Mom buy a treat for somebody. Most of the time that somebody was their teacher or me. As much as I enjoy a surprise latte, having my wife buy me a coffee really didn’t drive home the point of kindness we were trying to make.
To step the kindness game up, we decided to steal. Don’t worry, we didn’t steal actually stuff, just an idea. Which perhaps is most valuable thing you can steal now that I think about it. I mean, if I stole a coffee instead of have my wife buy one, we are talking $5 in value, but ideas are priceless. Boy, now I kind of feel bad. How many ideas have I stolen in my life? I guess it doesn’t really matter now since AI is going to steal all our ideas anyway and feed them back to us until we lose the ability for original thought and become completely dependent on their algorithms having lost all of our critical thinking. Skynet is happening people.
Anyway, in their classrooms at school, the kids’ teachers have jars that the kids get things put in when they get compliments on their behavior. When the jar gets full, the class gets a reward. School sanctioned bribery, an excellent idea to steal, uh, I mean, imaginatively re-create, for use at home. We started a kindness jar that the kids put little beads into when we see them doing something kind for somebody. It is working for the most part, but has also brought out the competitive sides in them, which can be a little unkind.
When the beads in the jar reach a certain line, they all get a reward. To prevent a somebody from not really participating and just getting the reward that others earn, whoever puts the most beads in the jar gets to pick what that reward is. This has brought out the competitors in them. In the first few days of using the jar, my wife or I would happen to notice them doing something nice and we’d tell them to put a bead in. Ya know, the way you’d expect it to go. After a few days, our intended consequence of inspiring more acts of kindness started to take hold. The kids were actively looking for opportunities to do something nice. I love it when a plan comes together. However, not all the kids were as quick to seize the opportunities for kindness, and wouldn’t you know it, kindness gave way to jealousy.
My younger daughter was a little quicker to catch on and started doing more nice things around the house. Naturally, her older sister felt the need to call her out on it, accusing her of only doing those nice things so she could put a bead in the jar. Blinded by her jealousy, it didn’t seem to dawn on her that, yes, that is exactly the whole point of all of this. You weren’t doing nice things on your own, so we are manipulating you into doing nice things. I wonder if there was ever a moment where one of Pavlov’s dogs barked to another, “ya know, he only gives a treat because that bell rings and not because you’re the goodest boy.”
But wouldn’t you know it, that jealously has proven to be a motivator for more kindness. Not to be out kinded…kindnessed?…kinderd?…let’s go with kinded, my older daughter sprung into action. Unasked for yard work was done. Snacks were made. I’d like to say rooms were cleaned, but this is a work of non-fiction, not fantasy. At last bead count – because of course they pour the beads out of the jar to count them so they can know exactly how many each kid has – my oldest daughter had taken the lead. But the younger ones were not far behind. They have all gotten better at lending helping hands and thinking of what they can do for other people, even if the only reason they are doing it is get their own reward.
But that is part of learning, right? Bribe them with rewards now until it becomes second nature. If it worked with using the toilet, surely it can work with being good humans. In much the same way successfully not peeing your pants becomes its own reward, I trust that they will find the intrinsic benefits of being nice to other people. I also think the universe has a way of rewarding good behavior anyway. Call it karma, ju-ju, or the holy spirit, kindness comes back around. I went to the store the other day, and it was very windy. Some anarchist didn’t put their shopping cart back in the corral and the wind was blowing it around the parking lot. As I was making my way from my truck to the store, I could see it coming full steam at a the row of cars next to me. I adjusted my path to put myself in position to intercept it, and snagged it a few inches before it barreled into a truck and put it safely in the corral. A passer by in his car gave me a knowing, appreciative head nod. A guy putting his groceries in his truck complimented me on the excellent save. Highlight of my day. Hands down. I mean, it really doesn’t get better than a head nod from one Dad to another. You’ll never feel more seen than when another dude takes enough notice of what you’ve done to move his head a few inches. Who says men can’t communicate? Who needs to when a nod says it all.
Anyway, it’s the little things, you know. Today it is bribing my kids to put away some laundry even if it isn’t their shirt so that in a few years they may take a second to stop a rougue smart-cart from becoming self aware and destroying all the cookies in the store because the algorithm determined that humans have gotten too unhealthy and all delicious treats must be destroyed, even at the cost of the human lives they were actually trying to save.
I Think Therefore I Dad 