In my most recent pass through Meditations, this section caught my eye in a way it didn’t before. When I first read it, I didn’t so much as underline it. This time I circled it in bright orange highlighter. A clear, concise guide on how to to act. A more practical application of philosophy you will not find. There are six parts, but don’t worry – none of them are longer than a few sentences.
Never under compulsion, out of selfishness, without forethough, with misgivings.
As a parent, never acting out of compulstion can be a challenge. Especially when it comes to disciplining your kids. I want to act in the moment. I want hit (or more accurately bite) them back when they hit me. When they make some kind of sassy comment I want to be a smart ass right back to them. But I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t, but there is still the compulsion to. The base level of parental EQ is to recoginze the impulse to snap at your kids before you do it. Easier said than done sometimes, but somethign to strive for.
Compulsive action isn’t only a detreiment in negative situations. How many times have you gotten the kid ice cream, a toy, new [fill in the black] becase you felt complelled to do so. It could very well come from a well-intentioned place. Maybe you’re just so overwhelmed with love for your kid you just can’t tell them no when they ask for dessert even though they didn’t eat all of their dinner. Maybe you’re so filled with guilt for missing their baseball game that when they ask for a new toy (even though their room is filled with toys they’ve forgotten about and don’t play with) you can’t help but get it for them. If we are in control of our thoughts and actions, then even if we are compelled to perform a seemingly positive act, we must resist. Whether an act of discipline or love, act becase you know it’s right, not because you feel compelled to in the moment.
Acting out of selfishness as a parent may sometimes feel necessary. After spending all day dealing with every single need your kid has at any given moment, is it really selfish to want just an hour of quiet time for yourself? If getting that hour of quiet means not being there for your kids if they really need you, then yes. But where is the line? If I want a few minutes by myself to read, should I stop mid-sentence if my kid asks for a glass of water, which I know they can get themself? Proably not. But should I snap at them to leave me alone and get it themself? Should I get frustrated with them when they want to spend time with me? When they want to play a game with me?
There is often a fine line between being present for your kids and being involved in their lives, and letting them dictate your day. Your life is still yours. Your time still belongs to you. But the second you have a kid, your time must be shared. Not given. But not hoarded either.
Parents exhibit forethought everyday. Telling your kids not to do that because somebody will end up getting hurt sound familar? And when somebody does inevitebly come crying becasue they didn’t stop doing whatever they were doing and did, in fact get hurt, you can give a satisfying I told so. But having the forethought to stop your kids from jumping on the couch is easy compared to the forethought of something like the habits our kids pick up from watching us. The things we do on a daily basis without any thought are things our kids will see, and probably mimic. Not that you want to overthink everything you do, but giving some thought to some thigns you do doesn’t seem to much to ask of yourself.
I’ve heard it said that if somebody asks you to do something, the answer should either be “Hell yes!” or “no.” If you are on the fence, if you have misgivings about taking an action – don’t. Be confident and committed in your decisions. If you aren’t, then where is there harm in continuting to think about it? In exploring a different solution? While we never know the outcomes of our choices, we should at least be making our decisions confidently. Have a bad feeling about the kinds of kids your kid is hanging out it? Not sure if that school is right for you kids? Feeling guilty about how much screen time you let your kids have? It is easy to question yourself as a parent, but if those questions raise legitimate concerns, then don’t ignote them. And don’t act if doing so compromises your better judgement or goes against your virtues.
For me the key here is being aware. Aware of your thoughts in the moment, and aware of your reprocusions of your actions. Not everything we do needs to be put under the microsope, but if we focus on it now and practice acting for the right reasons in the right way, then eventually it will just become the way we act. No extra thought required.
I Think Therefore I Dad 
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