I Wish I Could Tell My Kids to Shut Up

I won a raffle at a local coffee shop this week (shout out to Sparrows!) and my prize was a gift basket of stuff. It was sitting out on the counter when my wife got home from work, and upon seeing it she joyfully exclaimed “Shut up! We won!?”

While my kids were not that excited about their mom winning some coffee and related accouterments, they were very excited to be able to call their mom out for using a bad word. They were quick to point out that mom used the “S” word – shut up.

While I suppose I’m glad they still live in an innocent enough world where the “S” word is shut up, it is a little annoying. For one thing, it has caused confusion when one of them tells me that somebody said the “S” word, as my mind for sure does not go directly to shut up. To make things even more confusingly G-rated, “stupid” has also been called the “S” word in our house.

Kid: “Somebody at school said the “S” word today.”
Me: “Uh-oh, that’s not nice.”
Kid: “I know, it was the S-H “S” word.
Me: “Uuuuuummmmmm…what did they say?”
Kid: *whispering* “Shut up.”
Me: “Oh, right. Well, yeah don’t say that.”

The larger annoyance with “shut up” being considered a bad word, is that sometimes I really want to tell my kids to shut up. It probably wouldn’t be considered great parenting, but I bet it sure would be effective in getting them to stop talking. Or more accurately, stop whining. Actually, most accurately, stop singing.

Using good manners in politely asking them to be quiet is great way to model the kind of behavior I want them to have. However, it’s not a great way to actually get them to be quiet. Most of the time their assorted noises are too loud for them to hear me anyway. Or last I think it is, but I’m beginning to be convinced that they can hear me but are choosing to ignore me. I went to my daughter’s first grade classroom, and the teacher’s way to get a room full of high volume kids was to say “class, class” in a completely normal tone of voice at a completely normal volume. Every single one of those kids heard him perfectly fine and responded “yes, yes” at an equally normal volume. Am I to believe my kids can’t hear me tell them to be quiet from the other side of the kitchen? Liars.

Of course I can only be so patient and manners are sometimes set aside. There have been many occasions when all I wanted to do was tell a kid to shut up. I’ve tried alternatives; stop talking, don’t say words, don’t open your mouth, stop saying things. None of which really work that well. The thing that comes closest is “shut your mouth”, but this apparently is close enough to shut up to be considered a bad word. I have gotten in multiple debates with my seven year-old about if “shut your mouth” is or is not the same thing as “shut up.” So apparently “shut” is what makes something bad to say.

Shut up = bad.
Shut your mouth = bad.
Hush up = allowed. And also gives you the charm of a southern nanny. Slap a “y’all” on the front and a “now” and you can threaten to send them to bed without their vittles while you’re at it.
Shut the front door = confusing. My kids would have no idea. If anything, they’d get mad at me because the door already is shut.

Who said “shut up” counted as a bad word anyway? While it might be rude, it isn’t profane. My kids say lots of rude things. Almost everyday one of them comes up to me and tells me one of the others is being rude to them. They can scream at each other, they can whisper insults under their breath at each other, they can make feral cat noises at each other, but telling each other to shut up crosses a line.

Can we conditionally move the line? I think there are circumstances where it is more important to deliver the message you want to deliver and set the fear of being rude aside. I actually did it with a different “S” word, and it worked. While my daughters fought over some nonsense thing that I honestly don’t remember what it was, it told them that it was ridiculous that they argue over something so stupid.

“Dad, you said a bad word!” They were quick to point out, stopping the argument they were having now that they had dad’s bad language to focus on.

“Yes, I did,” I told them. “Because that’s exactly what it is.” Message delivered. Message received.

So what’s the way to go? Using shock value of behavior I don’t want them to emulate in order to force them into a behavior I do want, or modeling the behavior I want to encourage in them in hopes that they pick up? I feel like “do as I say, not as I do” never works. I suppose I’ll have to keep being the adult and choke back what I really want to say in favor of teaching them and being a good example. Surely, that is the thing a good parent would do. Putting a child’s need to grow up in a loving, healthy, communicative environment over my need to express my frustration over their still developing interpersonal skills.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to learn how to say “shut up” in sign language.