Babies Are Full of Spit

A baby’s body is made up of 47% undigested milk. That is a science fact. Probably.

It boggles my mind how a baby can can spit up what seems like more than they ate. Babies spit, I get that, but I also understand basic math. It really ought to be impossible for a baby to spit up 8 ounces when they only drank 4 ounces. However, I have a laundry basket full of shirts that tell me it is quite possible. My baby boy spits up at least something every time he eats, which my other kids never did. They would spit up occasionally if they didn’t get burp out or something like that, but this kid spits up at least some after literally ever feeding.

Even if it is hours after. The other day we woke up after being asleep for several hours and almost immediately spit up. There is no other conclusion to draw other than his bones are hollow and fill up with undigested milk. Some might say that babies are all soft and squishy because their bones are mostly cartilage. Nope. Their bones are mostly milk, laying in wait to be hurled upon an unsuspecting baby-holder who undoubtedly just put on a clean shirt.

You know what? I literally had to stop writing this just now to go get the baby boy out of his crib because he woke up with spit down the side of his face. He ate. He got a big ol’ burp out. He fell asleep. He slept for about a half hour. Then spit. Of course while he was at it he pooped twice for good measure. And just to really drive the point home he spit up all down my arm the second I lifted him off the changing table. I guess he still had some of his secret stash left over that he just felt compelled to make me wear.

I now firmly believe that baby pudge is not fat, but extra milk reserved specifically for higher volume spitting. Like that little extra container of water that came on the Super Soaker 100. Just in case you need to get dad extra wet. Of course the Super Soaker delivered a refreshing splash of water on a hot day. Partially digested milk that is the temperature of the inside of a person is something less than invigorating as it runs down your neck.

The doctors may say my kid has a mild case of acid reflux. But I know the truth. He came with a real built-in version of those fake vomit bags they use to make it looks like people throw up on Saturday Night Live. Yep. I’m on to you little man. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go put on my 4th shirt of the day.