Seeing a Butt: A Parenting Milestone

I knew it would happen eventually, but I didn’t think it would happen so soon. Three years old just seems so young. I figured things like this happen more in the 5th or 6th grade at earliest. Alas, a threshold has been crossed and life will never be the same again. My daughter saw a boy’s butt.

When she came home from school that day it was all she could talk about. Each time telling the story she made it a little further before she burst out laughing. After about a dozen retellings I got the picture. And now that I have heard the story approximately seventeen thousand times over the last few weeks it is forever etched in my memory, replaying over and over like G rated Zapruder film. See how the butt cheeks move back, and to the left.

The story of how she saw Isaac’s butt, has now reached an almost fairly tale status. My daughter tells it as if it took place in some far off place long ago. She begins every fresh recital with a very enthusiastic “One day…” as if I were about to hear a movie trailer for some epic fantasy movie and not about a pre-schooler’s ass crack. The pattern of story telling has completely taken over bed time. My wife and I have appropriated this opening hook to all of the stories. “Once upon a time” is dead and gone forever. Thanks Issac.

Beyond the annoyance of hearing the story over and and over again, there is an innate sense of fatherly protection in me that wants to smack Isaac in the head. I mean, sure butts are funny. I’d by lying if I told you I’ve never shown anybody my hams. But that’s my little girl, and this cannot stand. Maybe I’ll show Issac my butt, and then his parents will have to hear all about how one day he saw a butt.

There is a chance she will forget about it over time, but I know I never will. Whatever that kid goes on to do in life, he will always be the kid that showed my daughter his butt. Part of me hopes they end up going to school together for a while and they stay friends and I can bring this up again in a random situation when they are easily embarrassed pre-teens. Maybe they’ll end up going to high school together and Lucy will be a cheerleader and he’ll be on the football team, and after a play is over and the roar of the crowd dies down you’ll hear “Isaac showed my daughter his butt!” shouted from somewhere in the stands.

Maybe. Though really I am just glad he didn’t turn around.

*Note: Names of children were not changed. That’s right, I’m calling you out Isaac.

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