An in interesting reminder here that while you’re dealing with whatever life throws at you, and you’re acting the way a Stoic should act – don’t forget to be happy about it.
Cheerfulness. Without requiring other people’s help. Or serenity supplied by others.
When you think of of a Stoic, a cheerful person probably isn’t the image that springs to mind. You picture a more serious, reserved person. Equipped to take what comes in stride, making intentional choices, and acting deliberately. While those things are certainly true, it doesn’t mean that the Stoic can’t also do those things with a positive attitude.
Anybody can find joy in life. Even in bad circumstances, there is always room for a little gallows humor. But the more interesting part here is the goal to find that joy and act with cheerfulness without anybody’s help. Can you be your own source of joy?
From a parent’s perspective, I think can be a little difficult. From the time they first open their eyes, a kid brings a parent a crazy amount of happiness. It is pretty easy to be cheerful, even when changing a diaper, when you’ve got a kid. Even if you set aside the things they say and do, the fact that a tiny little person exists because of you, and their default settings is to think you are pretty great, is enough to put a smile on your face. But that is an external source of cheerfulness. I know it may be hard to believe, but as they get older sometimes kids can act in ways that make you quite the opposite of cheerful. Bring a cheerful attitude to changing a tiny little baby diaper is a lot easier than bringing a cheerful attitude to changing your pre-schooler’s bed sheets for the second time in a week. It is easier to be cheerful when your toddler is learning their boundaries, it is much harder to be cheerful when your second grader is straight up defiant.
According to Marcus Aurelius, the external factors don’t matter. It is up to you to be in control of your attitude, and that attitude should be cheerful. I think it is easy to be a little superficial about this, but it really is something to work on within yourself. He isn’t saying plaster on a fake smile. He isn’t saying to ignore the circumstances around you. He is saying despite the circumstances around you, act with cheerfulness.
In a large part (probably too large), the moods of my kids dictate the overall mood of the house. If they are miserable, they let everybody know. With the three kids, it really just takes one of them to be in a bad mood and it will inevitably spread like a mopey wildfire. My challenge is to fight fire with cheerfulness. If I set the mood for the house, not in an over the top forced positivity kind of way, but with a grounded, genuine sense of cheerfulness – how different would my children behave? They are little sponges, and little mimics. They love to do what dad does, so would they love to behave as dad behaves? Have the attitude that dad has?
I caution against forced, phony positivity because remember, this is about how to act, not how to talk. This isn’t about talking the talk. This isn’t about being a cheerleader. This is about doing.
How about when you get done with work at the end of the day? Are you acting cheerfully rejoining your family? Are you leaving the issues with work at work? Or to take it a step further, where you acting cheerfully at work? I know I focus on the perspective of a parent, but parents also live a life outside of the home. As much as I try to fight dad stereotypes, the dad who comes home after a rough (or probably more likely completely mundane) day at work and is in a grumpy mood until he can take a few minutes to himself is very accurate. Watching The Wonder Years as a kid, I always thought the dad was such an unlikable character. Watching it now, he is maybe the most realistic sitcom dad ever. I’ve never met a Danny Tanner. We all know a Jack Arnold.
And if you thought happiness was a challenge, why not raise the stakes one more notch and strive for serenity too! I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a house with three kids under eight years old, but serene is not a word I would use to describe it. Will say, finding serenity is something I’ve been working on for quite some time. I work from home, so in the summers the kids are home with me. My workspace is in the basement, which is also home to a piano, a keyboard, a toy drum set, and a karaoke machine. Now, I work and focus best in something at least approaching serenity, but I’ll settle for moderately calm. Years ago when I worked in an office with an open floor plan, I got in the habit of putting in headphones and creating my own serenity. People would laugh when I told them I was listening to Native American flute music. Calm. Serene. Beautiful. I’ve at least somewhat been able to train myself to stay calm and focus no matter what cacophony my children are producing. Laugh at my flute music if you want, I’ll just be over here getting some serenity now.
So whether listening to music helps, a few moments of meditation helps, some journaling time helps – find an action to help you act cheerfully. Motion creates emotion. Act first, act cheerfully, and self-generated cheerfulness and serenity will follow.
I Think Therefore I Dad 
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