It is no secret that one of the great causes of divide in our times (and probably all of time) is that every one is completely certain they are right. Their point of view is the correct one. Their sources of information are the truth. Their pizza toppings are correct and you can take your pineapple and go straight to hell. For the record, pineapple does belong on pizza given the correct pairing of other toppings, which is neither here nor there for the purposes of this discussion but I felt it needed to be said.
And there it lies the problem. I felt it needed to be said. I not only brought up the conflict, but I welcomed it with crossed arms. Without a second thought I found even the most benign subject and found a way to invite disagreement. Though not for the sake of debate, for the sake of feeling right and feeling supported in my rightness by people who agree. And the people that don’t agree? Well I’ll have to assume they’ve clicked away in anger by now. They are not hear to listen to some schmuck tell them something they don’t agree with. They will go find an anti-pineapple blog to read and dig in.
This is the pattern we are in as a society. From pineapples to politics and everything in between, we find the information that makes us feel good about what we already think. It is a hard habit to break, but we need to try.
On a recent trip to the library I was looking for a book to read with no particular direction in mind. Somewhere in the social science section I found “A Gentleman’s Guide to Manners, Sex, and Ruling the World.” The title caught my eye. I mean, I am already a proper man and I’ve already sired three children so I’m pretty sure I’ve got at least one of those down, but there is always room to learn. I grabbed the book and went home ready to become enlightened to gentlemanly ways. A few pages into it was ready to close it forever and be perfectly content having mastered on my own 33% of the topics it claimed to cover. Not that it was poorly written (though he seemed to go out of his way to showcase his vocabulary – you’re a smarty pants professor, we get it) or the things the writer was saying were out and out incorrect. It was that the writing clearly had a different world view than me. I could tell he was older, more upper-crusty, and more on the conservative end of the spectrum than I. While I learned that when sitting in box seats at the opera or theater, a gentleman should sit behind the seat the woman he is with and not next to her, so that the other woman in the box can have a seat in the front as well. After all, women want to showcase their pretty dresses and have a better opportunity to be seen, while a gentleman is content to fade into the background at such an occasion. Tips on where to sit at a minor league baseball game are conspicuously absent. Also, a gentleman wears a suit or at least shirt and tie to work. I don’t remember all the details of the points he was making but he made a case that casual dress has led to gender identity issues.
I put the book down and really debated not picking it back up. I mean, why would I want to fill my head with this?
UPDATE: I tried. I really did, but this freakin guy. It is one thing to have a different world view, or a different set of beliefs. But any possible message could have gotten from this book has been received, and that message is – don’t let my son grow up to believe the kinds of things this guy is saying, and don’t let my daughters be with a guy who does.
I almost made it all the way through the book, but the final section of “Woman and Family Life” was just too much. All the understanding I need to get out of this is to understand that, unfortunately, there are people out there who believe some bullshit, and that these people are to be avoided as companions.
Here are some low-lights pulled directly from the text as they appeared in the book. Also, please note that the quotes around certain terms are exactly as they are used in the book, this is that writer’s usage of it, not mine.
- “Feminism led the women to believe they could enjoy uncommitted, purely physical sex, as men seemed to do, and that this would “empower” them with the strength of me. Since, for most women, this was obviously not the case, they then learned – also under feminist tutelage – to avoid their inevitable hurt feelings using accusations of new pseudo-crimes such as “date rape” and “sexual assault,” even when everyone knew full when that it was consensual.”
- “This is foolish, and we are now paying the price, as shown clearly in the recent epidemic of accusations of sex (or “gender” crimes): “sexual harassment,” sexual abuse,” “sexual assault,” sexual this and sexual that.”
- “”Sexual harassment,” “sexual assault,” “sexual misbehavior,” “sexual misconduct,” sexual abuse” – no one really knows what these terms mean, and that is precisely the point of using them.”
Really? Really guy? No one knows what sexual assault is? No one? The fact that he feels the need to put any term related to sexual crimes against women in quotes, leads me to question not if, but how many women he’s raped, er, I mean, had sex with when she damn well knew she had it coming. What an absolute trash person. Anyway, back to my original thoughts.
In one of life’s funny timings, just as I was having this struggle in myself, my daughter brought home something from school. They were learning about communities, and not just what they are, but also how people live in them together. Her answers on a worksheet were brilliant in their simplicity.
- Why should you listen to other ideas? I should listen because it will be easier to solve the problem.
- What if your idea isn’t picked? You could maybe do it next time.
- Why is problem solving and agreeing on a solution so important for the community? Because then there will be a lot of conflict with out it.
Much can be learned from the perspective of a second grader. A lack of gray area, nuance, and complexity in the best possibly ways. Listening to other ideas helps solve problems. Can something seem like a breakthrough and a “well, duh” statement at the same time? So I’m going to keep reading this book, but because I expect it to really provide any kind of guidance (unless of course I suddenly get invited to the opera), but because I should fill my head with as many ideas as possible. Not so I can agree with them or support them, but so that I can understand them. Even if I disagree with it or find 99% of the book irrelevant to my life, that 1% of opportunity for growth is worth it.
It is crazy how much we can learn from our children, when we put so much effort into it being the other way around. But maybe the effort parents put in, or more accurately where we put it, is the issue. We put in effort to make sure our kids know the basics – reading, math, how to make their own breakfast without waking you up. But do we put the same kind of effort into problem solving? In to how to understand different ideas? Into moral, ethical, or philosophical questions? I think we think a lot of that is too heady for a kid to understand, but maybe it isn’t. At least not a basic introduction. My daughter actually took it upon her self to make her own introduction. A few days after her Solving the World’s Problems for Dummies breakdown, she started reading her first philosophy book.
Stole it from me is more like it. There I was sitting at the kitchen table reading the book “Happiness Times Two: Live Each Day Like You’re on Vacation”, and she walks over and starts reading over my shoulder. Buddhism was a funny word and it caught her attention. Not satisfied with her partially obstructed view, she proceeded to take the book out of my hands, laid down on the couch and read it herself. She read a page about The Eightfold Path, or at least moth of page. I think she may have just read the bulleted list of the eight right things over and over again and giggled at the word Buddha a few times. Either way, it is a start. It is an introduction to learning different ideas, and how to use those ideas to be the best person she can. I don’t know if her path is eightfold, but she is on one. Now I need to help her stay on it. Challenge accepted.
I Think Therefore I Dad 