I was recently reminded of something about being a parent – you can’t have any off days. That is not to say that you can’t get some time away from your kids. My wife and I try to get out for date nights as regularly as we can, and at least once a year take a little weekend trip without the kids. I’m not talking about days off, or days without immediate parental responsibility. Not days off, but off days.
You know those kinds of days. You’re just off. Much like the pitcher who just can’t find his curveball, there are days when we just don’t have..something. Maybe it’s focus, maybe it’s patience, maybe its the ability to pretend to be interested attending the fourth production of the “show” of the day your kids are putting on the the basement. You’re just missing a little something that would keep you running at full capabilities. Which is normal, right? It it a totally normal, human experience to not be your best self at all times. Well, it sure doesn’t feel that way as a parent does it?
I noticed this a few weeks ago when my daughter asked me why I was grumpy. I was a little taken aback, because I didn’t think I was being grumpy. I was just being me on an average Tuesday getting the kids home from school. But that day I was having an off day, a grumpy day, and my daughter spotted it immediately. And it was like a slap in the face. How often had I been operating in this state? Have I been grumpily off before and she was just now calling it out? It is never the case that the first time somebody gets caught acting a certain way that it is the first time they’ve ever acted that way.
The more I thought about it, it was likely that I had been having several off days over the last few weeks. But it just became a baseline state for me. I was downsized out of my job at the start of October, and what I thought would be a short break (I actually had a job interview the day I got let go – spoilers, I didn’t get it), perhaps even a nice little bit of time to take a breather before finding my next job, turned into a lack of employment through the holidays and into the new year. Not that there is ever a great time to be without the paychecks that you and your family have become accustomed to, but Christmas time is a pretty crappy time. Especially for me. I love Christmas like I love cake. If you ever want to see somebody experience nirvana, give me a cake on Christmas. (A total aside, this year we made a chocolate mint grasshopper cake for Jesus’s birthday cake. It was fantastic. If you’re looking for a new tradition – highly recommend making a Christmas birthday cake.)
So after almost three months of interview after interview after interview and making it to multiple final rounds and getting nothing, it wasn’t only catching up with me, it caught me. I just didn’t realize it. Much like the boiling frog, I became acclimated to my growing off-ness until it boiled over and my daughter called me out. Nothing works quite so well for an attitude adjustment as the unfiltered perspective of one of your kids.
Not just in parenting, but in life, making a conscience choice to be present, to be involved, to be the kind of person you want (or need) to be in each moment takes work. It can’t be enough to just be there. It can’t be enough go through the motions. That is how off days become habits that become the norm. Having properly developed mental and emotional muscle memory to fall back on is the goal, but for most of us is always a work in progress, and I’ve still got work to do. Before we got married my wife and I took a marriage course, and I honestly don’t remember much of it, but one thing has stuck in my brain. The pastor said the honeymoon phase and the newness of everything will end, and you absolutely will fall into a rut. So choose your rut. Create your rut on purpose, or one will get crated for you – like it or not. While he was talking about marriage, it holds true for parenthood – and really, life overall.
I fell into a rut created by my circumstances, not by my actions. It is up to my attitude to get me out. Which, I realize sounds a bit impractically rose-colored. Oh sure, just choose to be in a better mood. Congratulations anti-depressant industry, you’re officially out of business! Attitudes don’t change real world goings on. A cheery disposition doesn’t pay the bills. Luckily for me, my wife’s job did pay the bills. We got by, but we didn’t get ahead. And not to go off on some tangent of manhood and providing for your family, but there was part of me that felt guilty. I mean, sure, under difference circumstances I would have no issues being a kept man. That would honestly be living the dream, but it would need to be out of choice and ability to live in such luxury, not due to being forced into it.
At long last, a few days ago I received two job offers and accepted one of them. A week from today I am back to the grind. Of course I use “the grind” loosely here, I’m working from home for a digital marketing agency – not exactly the coal mines – but hey, I might put on real pants at least a couple days a week. When I accepted the offer, there was immediate relief. Yes, the initial joy of getting the good news, but also a larger weight being lifted. Or more accurately, me lifted out of a rut. I have been happier, I have been generally more positive, I’ve been more generous, I’ve felt more active and more ambitious. I find it funny that when I had plenty of time on my hands, finding motivation was hard. Now that I will have work commitments again, there is so much I want to do. Unfortunately for my wife, odd jobs around the house still aren’t high on that list.
One thing I know I don’t just want to do, but need to do, is develop my muscle memory to not be a mere participant, but a driving force in the ruts I create. Best case scenario, my new job will be the best job I’ve ever had and I am here until I retire. Which will hopefully be very early and several years before my wife (see my previous statements on a kept man status). Realistically though, who knows. No matter what the circumstances of my life are, to a certain extent my kids don’t care. Nor should they. It is up to me to be present and to be positive. Will off days happen? Of course, even if we are striving to improve ourselves, we are still people. However, my stresses can’t be theirs, but we can all share in my victories. Upon hearing the good news of my new job, my daughter wanted to make me a cake all by herself (my wife helped a little). Anybody who knows me knows I really don’t like sharing food, and may possibly stab you with a fork if you try to get in my cake action, but I was happy to share a few pieces with my wife and kids. It might have been the sweetest cake I’ve ever had. The sweet isn’t as sweet without the sour.
I Think Therefore I Dad 