Baby Bumps Are Weird

My wife is currently 7ish months pregnant with our third child. Several times a day I am prompted to look at the baby kick here or there, wiggle this way or that, or just see how generally lumpy he’s making my wife’s stomach. Having been through this twice before now, the novelty has worn off, and to be totally honest – a baby protruding out of my wife was never my favorite thing in the first place.

I assume that sounds terrible to some people. I mean, how can I not be amazed by the miracle of life? It is amazing, it is a miracle, it is wonderful. It is also gross and weird. The first time I felt our first baby kick, my reaction wasn’t so much awed wonder as it was recoiled shock. Two more babies have not changed that.

Worse than a little kick or punch is a full on wiggle. Seeing a tiny little wave roll across my wife’s belly gives me the jibblies. Feeling it will have me pulling away as if I just touched a hot stove.

Literally as I type this my wife just asked me, “You didn’t just touch me did you?” I am at least 2 feet away from her, so, no I didn’t. “I just felt something way over here,” she said pointing to her side. “Creepy baby.” – Her words, not mine.

Whenever she complains about the pains and discomforts of being pregnant and the experience of actually giving birth, I always tell her “but then you get a baby!” I often remind myself of the same thing when she asks me to “come feel this hard part right here.” I always assume any hard part is the butt. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’d rather it be that than feel like I’m giving my unborn baby a noogie. Baby after they are born – noogies all day. Baby still in utero – noogies are mean.

Before I had any kids I always knew the birth part would be gross, but I never expected that out of the pregnancy. I expected pickle cravings, trips for ice cream at odd hours of the night, feeling hot when its 30 out, feeling cold when its 90 out, and remodel after remodel of the baby’s room. I did not see being weirded out by the belly. It also just dawned on me that perhaps my entire perception of what pregnancy is like for a husband was shaped by Father of the Bride Part 2.