The Manliest Parker I’ve Ever Seen

I’ve never been so thoroughly impressed and intimidated by another man as I was when I saw a man park.

I was dropping my daughter off at pre-school like I do almost every morning. I pulled into the drop-off parking lot and I pulled into a spot just like every other car in the parking lot, which was maybe half full. Then I saw a man in an SUV pull into the lot and for no particular reason at all – back into a spot.

What a move. Absolute alpha right there. No reason to do it other than he wanted to and he could. Parking lot was half empty, could have parked anywhere. The lot is the drop off loop with just one way in and one way out, so no strategic value to being able to pull out of the spot to leave. Just wanted to spread his hearty musk all over that parking space.

I bet he backs into his drive way at home which is always perfectly shoveled and salted in the winter. In the summer I bet he sits in his car an extra minute before getting out to admire his lawn which is greener than Kermit’s ass.

I bet he backs into his spot at the butcher shop before going inside to get his meat which he will grill to a perfect medium rare every damn time. And yeah, that’s right, he gets his meat from the butcher whom he knows by name.

I bet he backs into his spot at the golf course before going out and shooting par. I bet he even backs his golf car up to the green before sinking his putt. He never two-putts.

I bet he backs into his spot at the Home Depot when he goes there to get new stain for his deck. That he built himself. Which is always immaculate. That he sits on and smokes cigars. Good ones.

I bet he backs into his spot at the doctor when he goes for his regular prostate exam, because he’s responsible like that.

I bet he backs into his spot at the gym when he goes there to work on his abs, which are visible.

I bet his kid backs their little Power Wheels car into a tiny little parking spot in the back yard before going inside to eat their vegetables.

This other dad is really in my head. And he backed in there perfectly.